By Dean Maddox, Public Safety & Bullshit Detector

Government’s shut down again. And I know, I know—half the country just hears that and goes, “Oh no! Who’s gonna run the agencies?” Lemme save you the suspense: no one misses ‘em.

We got a shutdown and you know what ain’t shut? Gas stations, grocery stores, the bar, the smoke shop, your mechanic, the lady who cuts your hair, the dude that sells you brisket outta his truck on Friday nights. The world still turns.

What don’t turn? Some overpaid dipshit’s ergonomic office chair at the CDC. And thank God for that. Maybe while they’re outta work they can reflect on why the hell they ever thought it was a good idea to tell America to put masks on toddlers or fund another “urgent study” on how weed affects the mating habits of Icelandic frogs.

“Non-essential services”—you know they use that phrase every damn time this happens. So lemme ask this: why the hell are we funding shit that ain’t essential in the first place? The IRS ain’t essential. The Surgeon General—who I’d bet my last Marlboro ain’t missed a meal in years—ain’t essential. The Bureau of Lecture You About Your Life Choices? Nope. Not essential.

And don’t even bring up Fauci. That little gremlin cashed out after helping ship your paycheck over to Wuhan for gain-of-function science fair projects, then turned around and told you not to visit your grandma for Christmas. But yeah, let’s keep the NIH funded because who else is gonna study why lesbians in Vietnam don’t like spicy food while high?

Then there’s the war machine. You think that’s essential? Cuz I don’t. They say we need to reopen government to support our troops overseas. Troops doing what exactly? Protecting freedom by bombing kids in mud huts a thousand miles away? We ain’t fighting for freedom—we’re fighting for fuckin’ oil. Iraq, Libya, Syria, Ukraine—you name it. Always the same story. Some poor-ass country sitting on a goldmine of crude and suddenly they’re our enemy. We don’t need more Pentagon funding—we need to pull the damn plug.

You really wanna pay for all that? Or how about sending billions to Ukraine while homeless veterans freeze under bridges in Fresno? But sure, let’s cry about the shutdown. Wouldn’t want a State Department intern to miss their taxpayer-funded DoorDash.

Meanwhile, real Americans are out here trying to figure out how to pay rent, keep gas in the truck, and maybe have a beer or two without getting taxed into the next damn decade. And these clowns in D.C. are pretending their biggest concern is how to reopen the same broken mess that can’t get a budget passed on time.

I got friends who are cops. Good people. I ain’t saying defund the police. But defund the government? Hell yes. Shut it down. Burn the damn budget. Take that bloated carcass to the dump and leave it there.

I’ll tell you what. Let it stay shut. Let ‘em sweat. Let every agency with a rainbow logo and a Diversity Czar sit in the dark wondering why nobody noticed they were gone. You wanna fix Washington? Start with a pack of smokes, a shut door, and a pink slip for every bureaucrat who thinks their job is to micromanage the people who pay their salary.

And don’t let ‘em come back. Not one.