By Dean Maddox, Public Safety & Crime Reporter

So here’s the most California-ass story I’ve heard all damn year. Not just today, not this week, I’m talking top-tier stupidity of the last 365 days.

Some poor bastard in Altadena finds out he’s got a 550-pound bear living in his crawl space. Thanksgiving week. Real holiday spirit kind of stuff.

Naturally, he calls the California Department of Fish and Wildlife. You know, the folks whose whole job is supposedly dealing with wildlife. And a month later?

Bear’s still there. Still chilling. Probably paying cheaper rent than half the state.

CDFW says they’re “trying thoroughly.” They’ve been “setting traps” and “hazing the bear.” Are you hearing this shit? HAZING it? What does that even mean? Are they shining flashlights at it and yelling insults? Trying to hurt its feelings so it packs up and leaves?

And they actually did trap a bear once. Except it was the wrong bear. They caught some other confused bear minding its own business.

Meanwhile, the actual bear under the house ripped up a gas line, so the homeowner had to shut his gas off altogether. Imagine telling your buddies, “Yeah man, can’t cook dinner, bear blew out my utilities.”

And then the state, dead serious, tells everyone:

“The threat to residents is low.”

Oh yeah? You think the threat would feel “low” if a 550-pound dragon-sounding fur missile was scraping around under their living room floor?

But then we get to the homeowner. Bless his heart, he’s the most California man who ever lived. He’s worried about doing anything “drastic” to the bear… but he is considering filing a lawsuit.

Of course he is. This is California. You see a bear, you sue somebody. You don’t get rid of it, you litigate its ass.

Anywhere else, Texas, Oklahoma, Idaho, Montana, that bear would be a rug by now. Here, they haze it. Trap the wrong one. Tell the public “the threat is low.” And file lawsuits.

Anyway, I’m out of smokes, and this state already pisses me off enough, so I’m heading to the gas station for my 4 dollar gas and 12 dollar Marlboros.

Catch ya on the flip side.

Dean